


The Talk

by ebbj9891



Series: In Quest Of Something [56]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: F/F, Family Issues, Gen, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Third Person, Post-Series, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 10:24:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2225544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebbj9891/pseuds/ebbj9891
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With Gus' twelfth birthday approaching, Mel and Linz decide it's time for The Talk. They invite Brian and Justin to help out, and together, plan the perfect way to approach their son and provide him with meaningful guidance. What they don't realise is that Gus wants nothing to do with any of it and is planning to shut the whole thing down by any means necessary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Dice

This winter might be the coldest winter known to mankind. That's what Gus believes. There's winter and then there's _winter_ , and this one is certainly the latter. It's the kind of cold that seeps through your skin and into your bones, until you feel frozen to your core. That might sound miserable, but Gus quite enjoys it. When he's finished studying with Ruby, he insists on walking home, adamantly (but politely) refusing her moms' offers to drive him home. A wintry walk home is his dream come true. He crunches through the snowy grass at the park, swishes his boots through the sleet along the sidewalks, and walks with his face in the icy wind, enjoying the way his nose and earlobes tingle with cold. It feels cleansing, somehow, this kind of frosty weather. Even better, he'll be home soon, and then he can lie down by the fire and drink cocoa. Better yet, he can hang out with dad and Jus, who are visiting for a few weeks. A few _weeks_. That's a long amount of time, longer than usual, and Gus feels pretty great about it. He knows dad had to take time off for it, which isn't always easy, because dad is important and busy and addicted to work. But he took all that time off anyway and chose to spend it in Toronto. Yeah, that feels pretty fucking great.

When he arrives home, he's pleased to see J.R.'s coat missing from her hook. He remembers, suddenly, that she's sleeping over at her friend Tara's. _Yes_. Gus enjoys the occasional break from his sister. He also enjoys being the center of attention, especially when dad and Jus are around. He grins, feeling the cold tingling all over him, smelling the tempting scent of cocoa and cookies, and hearing the crackle of the fire. Tonight is shaping up to be an excellent night.

"Gus, would you come in here for a moment?" It's mom calling, in that very gentle way of hers, the way that makes Gus feel safe and loved.

Smiling to himself, he calls back, "Hold on, mom, just a minute."

He takes off his scarf, jacket, and gloves. They spray snow everywhere, in flecks and chunks, which immediately seep into the carpet. As Gus watches the wet patches form, she calls again, "Honey, is everything okay?"

He's fucked up the carpet again, so no, everything is technically not okay. But maybe he can blame one of his dads or J.R. Or maybe he can just pretend it didn't happen. Yeah, one of those two options will do the trick. "Everything's cool!"

"Come on in here, Sonny Boy."

That's weird. Gus hasn't ever heard his dad sound that serious, like,  _ever._ It makes the back of his neck prickle with suspicion. Something is afoot. Intrigued, Gus makes his way into the family room.

Everyone's waiting - all four of them, all four of his parents. Gus sometimes despairs at having  _four parents,_ which one might perceive as double the trouble, but with his parents, it sometimes feels like triple the trouble. Quadruple, even. Today it feels like quintuple the trouble. Something is  _definitely_ up. The prickling at the back of his neck intensifies. It's joined by an army of butterflies rampaging in his stomach. Gus surveys his parents suspiciously. They're sitting side-by-side, clearly presenting a united front of some sort. Mom next to Melanie next to Jus next to dad. Gus takes one good, long look around the room - at the slightly amused smiles on his fathers' faces and the way his mothers are sitting, upright and very official - and instantly knows what's about to happen. _Shit._ The time has come, he realises, and the butterflies in his stomach turn to lead. He sighs, puts down his backpack, and goes to stand behind the armchair that has been reserved for him. He grips the back of it and stares at them evenly. "We don't have to do this."

"Excuse me?" Melanie, as he has taken to calling her lately, pins him with a serious gaze.

Gus lifts his chin and maintains eye contact. He knows the risk he's taking - Melanie almost always wins staring contests, except for that one time when the phone rang and she had to answer it because it was work. She's tough. The toughest of all of them, he thinks, and the one to beat here. If he's going to get out of this unscathed, he'll have to vanquish the dragon.  _The dragon._ Secretly, Gus thinks it's pretty fucking awesome that his mom is known as  _the dragon_ at work. She's certainly ferocious enough. Gus would like to follow in her footsteps and be known as a dragon, as _the_ dragon, as someone to be feared and revered. That would be awesome.

"Honey?" Mom smiles inquiringly at him. He catches it, at first, out of the corner of his eye, and then breaks eye contact with Melanie to look at mom. He's not a huge fan of the pet names, not anymore, but he lets mom get away with it. He tried calling her Lindsay, just once, because Ruby calls her moms by their names and it just sounds so freaking  _cool._ It worked with Melanie. Melanie was fine with it. Lindsay? Not so much. She looked crushed. It was one of those slow motion moments - with time crawling by, Gus heard himself saying 'Lind', watched her face fall, and hated himself by the time he got to the 'say'. He never tried it again. He thought of testing the waters with dad, seeing if maybe  _Brian_ would be a better fit, but then Gus thought better. He isn't completely sure, but he thinks it would wound dad much like it did mom. Dad, of course, would pretend to be okay with it, but that's not good enough for Gus. He would throw himself into traffic before he hurt his father, that's for fucking sure.

"Gussy?" Jus smiles at him, radiantly. It vanquishes a fair few of the lead butterflies. Okay, four parents  _are_ a handful, but since he chose the fourth, he really can't complain too much. Even if it would mean having a more manageable number of parents, he couldn't do without Jus. He _wouldn't_ do without Jus, who's like a father-brother-friend all rolled into one. He even lets Jus call him that ridiculous nickname:  _Gussy._ On the one hand, it sounds silly and it makes him feel like a baby, an itty bitty silly baby. On the other hand, it's Jus, and he always says it with so much love and affection. It fills Gus with warmth. So, much like with mom and her  _sweeties_ and  _honeys,_ Gus lets Jus get away with all the  _Gussies._ There are worse fates, after all. _  
_

Like this. Right now. What they're trying to do right now is the worst possible fate Gus can presently fathom. He needs to put a stop to this immediately, if not sooner. So, mustering every ounce of strength he has, Gus says evenly, "We don't have to do this. I know what you all want to talk about, and trust me, there's no need."

Melanie's eyebrows shoot up. Gus shrugs and continues delivering the speech he's been working on for weeks, ever since he secretly read the letter that got sent home by Miss James. "I'm going to be learning all about sex at school. I think we can all agree that my school is a good one, or otherwise you wouldn't let dad pay so much money for it."

He pauses, giving each and every one of them a stern look. "That's right, I know how much dad pays for my school. You all should really be more careful about where you leave your chequebooks and bank statements."

Jus snorts softly. Gus fights the urge to smile at him - he must maintain his composure. "If I understood the letter from Miss James correctly, she's going to be delivering a comprehensive curriculum on sex, sexuality, and relationships. Miss James isn't my favourite teacher of all time, but she's a good teacher nonetheless, and I believe we can trust her to do the bulk of the work here."

As several mouths open to make counter-arguments, Gus raises his hand. "Please, let me finish. I'm aware of what you're all thinking - that sex ed should contain a personal element. I agree. Which is why I've been doing some research."

He grabs his phone out of his pocket and pulls up a list he's been working on, and hands it to Jus, who holds it so the others can see. 

"These are all safe, secure, informative websites that focus on various aspects of sex ed. They're written by doctors, psychologists, feminists, people from the queer community, and parents. How do I know these are good websites? They're recommended across the web for this sort of thing, and in books, and in lots of local health centers, most importantly, they're the websites Ruby's moms asked her to look at after they had The Talk."

The Talk. Ugh. Just the idea of it makes Gus' skin crawl. All of his energy right now is being driven into not gagging or blushing. Poor Ruby - she couldn't escape. Her moms insisted on talking The Talk for  _three hours,_ whilst snuggled up in bed, listening to sappy girly music and braiding each others' hair. It doesn't get much dykier than that, Gus thinks, and he ought to know. That's what really gets under his skin - it's not just The Talk, it's that it's going to be delivered by all four of his parents. Yes, they're good parents. Yes, he loves them. No, he does not want to be stuck in a room with all four of them talking about totally embarrassing things. It's not fair. There are a lot of reasons it isn't fair, but worst of all is that it's four against one. That's _wildly_ unfair. 

Gus also worries about the direction they're going to take it in - Ruby's moms were focused on love and respect and the female orgasm, and they took three hours to cover all of that. He has double the parents, so does that mean double the content? Double the time? Double, triple, quadruple the embarrassment? And what are they going to talk to him about? Being gay? Being straight? Being somewhere or something in between? He doesn't even know what he is yet. He doesn't know how to tell them that he can't decide where he fits in the world, or even worse, within himself. He would like some time, some space, some peace and quiet to figure it all out.  _Then,_ maybe, he might be amenable to certain conversations, within reason. Brief conversations. Conversations on  _his_ terms. Not this. Not the four of them preaching at him for six hours about fuck knows what. No, this simply will not do. It's time to put this issue to bed, so to speak.

His parents are still immersed in the list. Gus takes the opportunity to wrap up his argument. He stands up straight and assumes a confident smile. "Here's how I think we should proceed - you let Miss James take the reins, and I fill in the gaps using those websites and the resources they include. There are books you can order, you know, stuff like that. If I have any questions, I'll come to you guys - I promise you that. But for now, this-"

He gestures around the room, where they have attempted to convene this awful, awkward meeting. Gus raises his eyebrows at them. " _This_ is wholly unnecessary. I appreciate the thought, but I am confident that there are better ways we could be spending our time. Don't you agree?"

They look up at him. Dad and Jus seem amused and, maybe, just a little impressed. Melanie looks impressed too, but there's something else in her expression, something sharp that returns the prickle to the back of Gus' neck. Mom smiles sympathetically, and it's then that the leaden butterflies return, sinking deep into the pit of his belly.

Melanie and dad look at each other, then at Jus and mom. It happens in slow motion: Jus and mom smile apologetically, and Melanie shakes her head - once, twice, thrice. Gus glances at his dad, who arches an eyebrow, smirks a little, and says, "No dice, kiddo. Come and sit down. It's time we had a talk."


	2. The Plan

"Okay," Lindsay announces, as Mel, Brian, and Justin sit down around the kitchen table. "It's time we talked strategy. We have half an hour to get this sorted before the kids get home, so let's get moving!"

That fateful time has arrived: it's time for Gus to learn about sex. Lindsay has been waiting for this moment for a while now - she keeps in close contact with the school and his teachers, so she's known for years that this year would be _the year_ : the year for sex ed, both at school and at home. The latter, Lindsay feels, is particularly important. She wants Gus to gain some personal perspective into these matters before he hears about it from his school. Fortunately, the other three members of her parenting team agree.

Her 'parenting team' - this is a phrase she and Mel favour, while Brian and Justin have been known to turn their noses up at it on more than one occasion, so Lindsay rarely speaks it out loud. It still stands, though. They are a team, and a good one at that. It's taken a very long while for them all to adjust, individually and collectively, but they've settled into their roles and they work well together. Lindsay is quite proud of where they've arrived at. Even more so, she's glad to have these people by her side. They're a mixed bunch, but Lindsay sees that as a strength - they each have different things to offer Gus. She expects that will pay off especially well now, as they approach The Talk.

Lindsay, for one, intends to approach it strategically. In the center of the table, she sets down a big sheet of paper which she has already divided into three columns, and then fetches a set of markers, arranging them between herself and Justin. "Honey, help me with the writing?"

She knows she can trust Justin to follow in her footsteps here. He's strategically-minded, too, and very good at planning things out. Lindsay can always count on him for things like this. As she predicted he would, Justin nods happily and picks up a marker. "What are we starting with?"

"This is what Gus already knows," Lindsay explains, as Justin makes a list in the leftmost column on the page. "Write in  _basic biology_ and  _sexual diversity."_

"If you even try to colour code that, I'm going to leave you," Brian threatens, shooting a warning glare Justin's way. Lindsay is amused by how unfazed Justin seems; he just grins and tosses a marker at Brian's head. Brian, of course, neatly catches it. He starts playing with it, rolling it across his knuckles with effortless agility.

Colour coding or no colour coding, they need a plan, and they need it soon. The Talk will be commencing within the week, depending on how soon they all feel ready for it. Lindsay also thinks it would be good to get J.R. out of the house - she's too young for The Talk, and her presence will only complicate matters. Gus and J.R. are at a very antagonistic stage, which mostly seems to be inspired by their clashing personalities. However, Lindsay does wonder if maybe Gus resents J.R.'s prize status as the youngest sibling, which often means J.R. gets spoiled, while Gus is expected to be the responsible one. Gus is also getting to an age where he's way too cool for his family - too cool to hug his moms, too cool to say his _I love yous_ , too cool to spend time with his baby sister. He's growing up, and quickly at that. Lindsay isn't sure she's ready for it, but that really has no bearing on the situation - it's an inevitability. There's no avoiding it and certainly no point in denying it. Lindsay knows she'll simply have to dive right in.

The Talk is as good a place to start with that as any. It's intimidating, to be sure, but she's also excited. Her parents never contributed much - there was, in fact, a fairly strict code of silence and avoidance in place in the Peterson household. Lindsay doesn't want that for Gus. She's excited to be there for him, to be honest with him, to help him through this as lovingly as possible with the help of Mel, Brian, and Justin. They have a good team here, Lindsay thinks, and Gus will surely benefit from their combined wisdoms.

"What are these sections?" Justin asks, pointing to the next two columns. Brian rolls his eyes, which Lindsay determinedly ignores. 

"This section can be our brainstorm of what he needs to know," she instructs, gesturing to the middle column. And, pointing to the last, "And here we can decide on our strategy."

"The Type A twosome are back," Mel mutters to Brian, nudging him. "I'll create a diversion, you make a run for it."

Then they start snickering. Lindsay is glad that they aren't at each other's throats for once, but she could do without the snickering. Fortunately, she has Justin in her corner.

"This is a big conversation," Justin says, scowling at Mel and Brian. "Linz is right, we need to be thorough. Or would you rather sit him down, ramble on vaguely about fallopian tubes and the vas deferens, and then shove a bunch of heteronormative pamphlets in his hands? Because that's what my dad did. It was the most awkward, useless fifteen minutes of my entire life. Gus deserves better."

"Fair point," Mel concedes, raising her hands in deference. "Okay, you two can keep your creepy little chart. But I'm with Brian: don't you dare start colour coding, or we're outta here."

Lindsay quite admires how Justin effortlessly ignores that jab. Rather than snarking back at Mel, he directs a smile at Lindsay and asks, "What is his school planning on teaching him?"

"The usual." Lindsay retrieves the letter from the fridge and scans it. "Reproduction, sexual health, relationships, that sort of thing."

"And what's the teacher like?"

"Smart," Mel says with confidence. "Very accepting and supportive of us. I think we can trust her to get it right, but it does need to start at home."

"Also, um, does anyone know..." Justin scrunches his face up and pauses awkwardly. "Er, how Gus... identifies?"

There's the million dollar question. This has been the topic of many late-night conversations shared between Lindsay and Mel, where they've wondered and speculated endlessly. But despite their efforts, Gus remains an enigma. Lindsay shrugs and admits, "We have no idea. He hasn't said anything and he's tough to figure out."

"We were kind of hoping you two might know," Mel says. "Any ideas?"

To Lindsay's disappointment, they look equally clueless. Brian shrugs. "Whatever he is, he is."

"Exactly," Mel says. "And he knows whatever he is, it's okay."

Lindsay nods strenuously. She looks at Brian and Justin and explains, "That's a big part of the reason we wanted you two here. Whatever he is, he is, but with-"

With a smirk, Brian cuts in, "With two dykes and two fags, you thought you'd have your bases covered."

"We also didn't want to go up against Gus all on our own," Mel smiles sheepishly. "I love him to bits, but he's a challenge."

"He gets that from you," Brian accuses.

"He gets that from  _you,"_ she retorts.

"He gets it from both of you," Justin resolves. "Which is why we have the most stubborn child in the world on our hands."

"Because _you,"_ Brian scoffs, "Don't have a stubborn bone in your body, do you, Sunshine?"

Justin grins at him, which Brian quickly returns. Sensing they've all veered well off track, Lindsay clears her throat and suggests, "Back to the task at hand. What does Gus need to know?"

She looks at each of them, surprised they're not speaking up more quickly. She had expected all three of them to be incredibly opinionated and had even prepared herself for a fair amount of squabbling. Mel is peering at the letter from Miss James, Justin is chewing on his thumbnail, and Brian is drumming his fingers on the tabletop. Lindsay taps the page. "Any takers?"

"How to be safe," Justin volunteers. "And I don't just mean condoms. Although, write that down, we should give him some."

"He's eleven," Mel objects, her eyes going wide. 

"Going on twelve," Brian adds.

Mel winces and shakes her head slightly. "Okay, he's eleven, going on twelve. I'm sorry, but he's my baby and I don't know if I'm ready to hand him a box of condoms."

"If he's anything like his father," Brian says, pausing for effect, because they all know that he and Gus are alarmingly similar in a lot of ways, "He'll be needing them soon. Might I remind you all that I lost it at fourteen?"

Mel groans, clasps her hands together, and drops her head in prayer. "Please, God, _please_ don't let my son fuck his gym teacher."

Justin starts laughing. Brian is totally blasé. He shrugs and deadpans, "There are worse things that could happen to the kid. My point is, he might need to be prepared for this sooner than you think."

Lindsay takes the marker and write down  _supply condoms._ Mel sighs uncomfortably. Justin wraps an arm around her comfortingly, which Lindsay can tell Mel is very grateful for.

Brian taps Lindsay's wrist and suggests, "We should get an assortment so he can figure out what he likes. And he should know he can come to us if he needs more."

As Lindsay adds that to the page, Mel asks, "What else falls under safety? I agree we need a broad-based definition..."

"My father's idea of 'safe sex' was either: don't have it, or have it and wrap it up," Justin rolls his eyes. "It was so mind-numbingly rudimentary. Gus should know about other aspects of being physically safe, and we should cover emotional and mental safety as well."

"Like, for example," Mel teases, "Don't pick up strange men off the street and go home with them?"

Brian immediately flips her off. Lindsay nudges his leg under the table and warns softly, "Brian."

"Hey, you're lucky I did go home with Brian, or you'd be preparing to have the talk with Abraham, who would hate you for giving him such a god-awful name," Justin teases, grinning. "And besides, I _was_ safe that night."

"He gave me a good talking to about the value of safe sex," Brian snorts, and starts mimicking Justin in an absurdly high pitch, " _In school we had this lecture about safe sex!"_

Justin thumps Brian's shoulder. "I didn't mean  _that,_ I meant... I felt safe with you. I talked to other guys that night, you know. They came onto me too. But it didn't feel right, so I turned them down."

He blushes a little, his gaze turning tender. "You seemed nice. You seemed like someone I could trust."

Mel scoffs and shakes her head disbelievingly. "He seemed like the fucking devil when I met him, but whatever."

"Thank you," Brian says, looking immensely pleased.

"Still not a compliment," Mel laughs.

"Still taking it as one."

Justin picks up a marker and writes down  _physical, emotional, mental safety._ "How do we explain that to him?"

"We could tell him that sex is something intimate, and it should be shared carefully and lovingly," Mel proposes. 

Brian all but recoils. "What the fuck does love have to do with it? Don't go filling his head with shit like that."

Lindsay senses the potential for a major breakdown in communication here, which with Brian and Mel will very quickly escalate to a full-blown argument. Fortunately, Justin jumps in swiftly and offers a clever translation. "I think what Brian might be trying to say is that you don't have to love someone to have sex with them, but you should trust them and respect them."

Brian looks happy enough with this translation. Justin continues, "We should teach him about listening to his instincts. That's important."

Lindsay writes down  _instincts._ She's pleased when Mel nods heartily, and prouder still when her wife suggests, "We should teach him about pleasure."

"To be generous with it," Justin adds, smiling at Brian meaningfully and affectionately.

"We should talk about all things being equal and mutual," Lindsay says. She writes this down, along with all of the other suggestions, and then holds the list up for everyone to see. "What do we think?"

"It looks good," Justin says, smiling brightly.

"It looks great," Mel affirms, touching Lindsay's hand lightly. "I think this is good enough to make a start with. As far as strategy goes, I think we should aim to be as candid and compassionate as possible."

After writing that down, Lindsay smiles and clips the list to the letter from Miss James. She tucks it carefully into the kids' school file and says happily, "I think we're ready."

"Do you think he'll be receptive?" Justin wonders out loud, as he begins drawing idly on a scrap of paper.

Brian snorts softly, which earns him a sharp look from Mel. "Something you want to say, Bri?"

"What kid is ever  _receptive_ to The Talk?"

"We have a pretty strong bond with Gus," Mel snaps. "You know that."

"Sure," Brian says, shrugging. Lindsay wishes he would drop the air of nonchalance; it's only serving to rile Mel up even more. 

Very defensively, Mel insists, "We manage to communicate very openly with him."

"Of course you do," Brian replies plainly. "I never said you didn't. So do we, you know."

"I know," Mel retorts hotly. "So what exactly is the problem here?"

That's precisely what Lindsay is wondering. Mel's angry demand steals Justin's attention away from his drawing; he looks up, glancing at Mel before settling his gaze on Brian curiously. Brian smirks, looking between the three of them with an even more irritating air of superiority. Lindsay quickly grabs Mel's hand, just as Brian announces smugly, "You all know what Gus is like. If you think he's going to sit politely through this, you're dead wrong."

Lindsay is torn. She would like to side with Mel and her more optimistic perspective, as she does firmly believe that their relationship with Gus is honest, open, and mature. But unfortunately, she finds herself leaning towards Brian's foretelling, because she is all too aware of what Gus is like. He is, in many ways, honest, open, and mature, but he's also stubborn and wayward. Plus, he's a kid, like any other kid, and Lindsay doubts he's going to be jumping for joy at the prospect of discussing sex with his parents.

"He might have a lot of questions," Justin interjects suddenly. "And I don't mean the curious kind... I mean-"

"He might try to trip us up," Brian finishes, nodding with emphatic agreement. "That's what I mean. It's all well and good to dream up lovely sermons on sex and sexuality, but I think we also need to ready ourselves for the ticking time bomb that is our son."

Lindsay glances at Mel, who sighs and nods in concession. Justin returns to chewing on his thumbnail, a pensive frown forming on his face. Lindsay meets Brian's gaze. He smiles at her, raises his eyebrows, and warns, "We might be in for a battle."


	3. The Battle

Well, fuck. No dice. No way out. Gus looks at each of his four parents, all of them clearly firm in their resolve and creepily united, and realises he's trapped. He edges around the armchair and sinks into it, knowing they'll now think that they've won.

They. Have.  _Not._

He's not letting this happen. He's not going to sit through this abomination. If they think that speech was the only trick up his sleeve, they're clearly terrible parents who don't know him at all. Gus has tricks aplenty up his sleeve, it's simply a matter of which will prove most appropriate. So he sits, waits, gives them a false sense of confidence, and carefully assesses the situation.

"Gussy, what we want to discuss is something really important," Jus says with a very kind smile. It's a smile that says a hell of a lot:  _we're here for you, we love you, I know you don't want to be doing this right now and I'm sorry._ Gus is quite grateful for that smile and all it says, but he's not going to let Jus know that. Jus _tin_ , rather, since he's a fucking traitor. He's supposed to be the cool one, the one that gets him, the father-brother-friend who Gus feels like he can really talk to. Well, apparently Gus massively misjudged Justin. Apparently Justin is  _not_ the cool one, but part of this creepy gang of four who are hellbent on making Gus suffer.

So Gus doesn't return the smile. He scowls at Justin and retorts, "That's good. Did you script that line all by yourself,  _Justin,_  or did you all write it together?"

"Gus," Melanie snaps. "Don't talk to your father like that."

Gus takes a deep breath and rolls his eyes with all his might. He catches dad scratching the bridge of his nose, so that his hand covers his mouth. He's trying to hide a smile. Gus smirks at him, to let him know that he  _so_ didn't get away with it. Dad's responding smile makes Gus feel like he's floating. As much as he's racing to grow up, he's still a little kid in that regard; he lives for dad's smiles and would do anything to inspire one.

"Gus," Mom begins, very gently, "We know this is a difficult subject to broach. We know that you might feel a little uncomfortable right now."

A  _little_ uncomfortable? He feels like a prisoner. He feels cornered. He feels  _outraged._ He also feels incredibly affronted that they don't think he can handle this on his own. He handles a lot of things on his own. He studies on his own, walks home from Ruby's on his own, can cook meals on his own, and even sometimes gets to babysit J.R. on his own. How is it that they can trust him with all of that responsibility, but think he needs to have his hand held for this?

"We just want you to begin your journey with the support of people who love you," Mom continues. "We want to be here for you, because like Justin said, this is important."

"Justin said it was  _really important,"_ Gus points out snidely. "Which is it? Important or really important? I suggest you choose one and stick with it, for continuity's sake."

" _Gus,"_ they all say at once.  _Gross._  It's kind of reassuring that they all look as creeped out by that as Gus feels, but it's also disturbing, because it's yet another moment of solidarity. They're obviously really committed to this and totally banded together on it. All four of them working together, talking in unison, reacting identically... this is so not good. Gus sinks back further into the armchair. This, he hopes, will give them the idea they're still winning. Really, he's just going to take a few moments to collect his thoughts and decide on a course of action.

"Sex education is a very significant part of growing up," Melanie says. "We want to make sure you receive the best there is to offer. We agree that Miss James has a good handle on a comprehensive curriculum, and we do trust her to take over at some point. But before you're exposed to sex ed in an academic context, we want you to gain some personal perspective in a safer, more intimate environment."

"You can ask us anything," Mom says. "Feel free to. We want you to feel you can trust us, and we want you to have all your questions answered."

"We know you already know a lot," Justin adds. "We're not going to ramble on for hours about anatomy or sexuality. If you want any extra information, we're happy to provide it, but we'd like to focus on different aspects of sex ed today."

Mom nods. "Like intimacy, relationships, and other such connected issues that we feel are important."

Gus wonders if they realise how eerie it is; the way they're speaking in tandem. He'd rather they were speaking in tongues - that would be way less unsettling.

"Why don't we begin with the first time?" Melanie suggests, glancing at the others for confirmation. They all nod in agreement. Gus glowers at them. 

"The first time is important," Mom says. "It's a big moment. It changes you and-"

"And it's about love and romance, and if possible, candles should be lit and rose petals should be generously distributed around whatever surface you want to do it on," Gus snarks, giving her a stony look. "Yeah, I get it."

"Actually, no," Melanie says, shaking her head. She turns and nods in deference to dad. "Brian?"

Gus looks at his dad, wondering what stock-standard lecture he's going to be given now. Dad straightens up a little and says plainly, "It doesn't have to be about love or romance."

Huh. That's unexpected. Is it, perhaps, a trap? Gus steels himself for any pitfalls and narrows his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"The first time I had sex, it had nothing to do with love or romance." Dad shrugs. "It can just be about sex, if that's what feels right to you."

"But that's what's really important," Justin interjects. "That it feels right to you. You should never-"

"Be pressured or pressure anyone or make someone do something or let anyone make you do anything you don't want to do, yeah, I  _know."_ Gus rolls his eyes. They're right back on track, right back to the land of clichés. "You guys realise this is all covered on those websites, right?"

"Websites are insufficient," Melanie lectures officiously. "You need to hear this stuff firsthand from people with experience."

Gus snorts.  _Experience._ With one notable exception, his parents are approximately a trillion years old. Justin, the notable exception, is admittedly younger. He's roughly a million years old. They're all ancient or semi-ancient, so what would they know? There's no way they have the experience necessary to teach him about this.

Mom looks at him, somewhat sharply. "Is something funny?"

"Those websites are written by  _professionals,"_ Gus explains, as though they're the children, and very small ones at that, and he's the adult with all the wisdom. "You think you know more than professionals? How much sex can you even have had?"

There's precisely one moment of pure silence before Mom and Melanie dissolve into laughter. Not appreciating this reaction one bit, Gus glares at them. He's even more appalled when dad and Justin join in. To their credit, they are sort of trying to hide it; Justin has turned his head and dad is pursing his lips, but his shoulders are shaking with mirth. But at least they're not as brazen as mom and Melanie, who are straight up cackling. This, Gus decides, merits the silent treatment. Just as soon as The Talk is over, he won't be speaking to either of his mothers for a Very Long Time.

"That's dangerous territory you're getting into, kiddo." Melanie tries to stifle her laughter momentarily, but fails miserably. Tears spring into her eyes and she almost doubles over with laughter. Justin nudges her, but it accomplishes nothing. 

"We've had plenty of sex," mom says. Gus scoffs, not believing her, and she raises her eyebrows. "We were young once, too, you know."

"What does youth have to do with it?" Dad asks, his trademark smirk firmly in place. He wraps an arm around Justin and brags, "We're still fucking."

Gus feels his jaw wanting to drop. He feels a blush rising, wanting to turn his cheeks all splotchy with embarrassment. He feels his legs itching to pick him up off the armchair and storm upstairs. But he will not give in to these urges - he will not let them win. So he tries his best to hide how appalled he is by how totally  _gross_ his fathers are.

"Brian," Melanie admonishes, her laughter coming to an abrupt halt. " _Language."_

"So you can sit me down to talk about fucking but you can't say the word?" Gus raises his eyebrows. "That's kind of weird."

"You know the rules," says mom, quite sternly. "No swearing."

Gus sighs and mutters, "Fine."

"Back to the topic at hand," Melanie insists. Shit. No. Gus can't let that happen. He can't handle any more of this insipid lecturing.

"I have a question," he blurts out, trying to inject some enthusiasm into this proclamation. It seems to work, for the most part. Mom and Melanie look pleased. Justin nods encouragingly. Dad raises his eyebrows, looking half expectant and half wary.

"Go ahead, sweetie," mom urges with a big smile. "You can ask us anything."

"I want to ask Justin something," Gus says, straightening up in the armchair. Drumming his fingertips on the armrests, he pins Justin, the filthy traitor, with an even stare and asks coolly, "Justin... how exactly did it feel to lose your virginity to someone  _twelve years older than you?"_

This is one of the best questions in his arsenal. Gus has plenty more where it came from, but it's a good one to start with. It's everything he needs to trip them up - it's accusatory, challenging, and just plain uncomfortable. Gus maintains eye contact with Justin and waits to see what will happen. Will it piss them all off? Start a big argument? Send them running for the hills? He can't wait to find out.

Justin smiles, leans forward on his elbows, and says evenly, "It felt great. Your dad was very experienced, he knew what he was doing, and he took care of me. It was perfect, in fact."

A flush creeps up Gus' cheeks. He was not prepared for that. He has clearly underestimated Justin, whose smile continues to grow. Looking way more together than Gus feels, Justin asks, "Would you like me to go into more detail? Because I can go into more detail."

"No," Gus mumbles, averting his gaze. He stares at the wall, grateful for its blank staticity. He can feel them all staring at him, probably smiling, probably  _smirking,_ definitely amused by Justin's candid response to what was supposed to be a challenging question. Time to up the ante. He looks sharply at dad, then at mom, then bounces his focus between the two of them. "What was it like when you two slept together?"

This one proves much more effective. Dad doesn't look bothered, but mom starts to blush and Melanie tenses right up. Gus smiles pleasantly. "I heard you guys talking about it once. It happened in college, right?"

"Right," mom says, glancing at dad. "It did. It was... it was nice."

She's not as cocky as Justin was. This pleases Gus. It feels like some sort of a victory.

Dad nods and smiles. "We were close, we cared about each other, and we wanted to experiment."

Melanie shakes off her sour expression and says, quite hurriedly, "That's a good segue, Bri, thank you. Experimentation. Let's talk about that. Gus, honey, it can take time to figure out what you enjoy, and figuring it out can be a lot of fun. But like Justin said earlier, you should always keep in mind what feels right to you and make sure that you feel comfortable and safe."

"You need to make sure your partner feels the same way," mom says. "Talk to them. Ask them how they feel."

"Listen to them and learn their body language," Melanie continues. Ugh. They're back to speaking in tandem. Gus is at a bit of a loss - his awkward questions aren't accomplishing shit. He could try tuning them all out, but they have a good read on him and they'd  _know,_ and then he'd get in trouble and it would just prolong this whole awful nightmare. As would storming off or causing any sort of a scene. That also wouldn't do much for his image right now; he wants to prove to them he's old enough and wise enough to cope on his own without their insipid babying. 

Now they're rambling on about consent and protecting one's partner and oneself, all of which Gus has already heard from Ruby, courtesy of her superdyke moms, and which he re-learned through the websites. He misses the websites. He needs to find a way to return to them, rather than being stuck here. If he stays here listening to this sermon, there's a very real chance he's going to die of embarrassment or be turned off sex for the rest of eternity.

As he's trying to suss out what to do next, mom picks up a bag and plonks it on the coffee table. Melanie purses her lips. Dad pushes the bag towards Gus and explains, "We want you to have the resources you need to stay safe."

"If you need anything else, you can let us know. We can get it for you, or we're happy to help you choose, or whatever," Justin says.

Gus glares at the bag. "Thanks."

"Open it," mom says encouragingly. "Have a look inside."

"I think I know what's inside, I don't need to have a look, thank you  _very_ much," Gus retorts curtly. He kicks his foot out and uses it to nudge the bag back towards dad.

"Gus, open the bag," Melanie insists, frowning. "We want to talk you through all of it."

"No, thank you." He suddenly gets a spark of inspiration. "You are all making me feel very uncomfortable right now. Maybe you should  _listen to me, learn my body language,_ and  _respect my boundaries."_

They look ever so slightly annoyed at having their own preachings thrown back in their face. Gus kicks the bag further away and says, "I'll take it up to my room, whatever. But you don't need to treat me like a little kid - I know what condoms are. I know that I need to use them whenever I have penetrative sex. There, lesson learned, ta  _da."_

Melanie lets out a beleaguered sigh. Justin nudges her. "There's a good segue. Mel?"

She looks at Justin curiously. Then they have some sort of silent, psychic, telepathic conversation. It's so abundantly  _weird;_ Gus is so close to bailing it's not even funny any more.

"Right," Melanie says, smiling gratefully at Justin. "That is a good bridging point. Gus, we want to to talk to you about the diversity of sex acts and different modes of sexual expression..."

Gus sighs and sinks down into his chair. This time, it's not an act he's putting on. This time, he's genuinely feeling defeated. They're not giving up. They're not backing down. Dad and Justin aren't going to save him; they're fused into this psychotic parental hybrid who are all obsessed with ensuring The Talk steams right on ahead. And now mom and Melanie are talking about things that are making him blush from his collarbone to the tips of his ears. Hell, it even feels like his  _hair_ is blushing, from its roots to its ends. As they continue 'educating' him about all manner of humiliating things, it's too horrifying to tune them out, and so embarrassing he can't even bring himself to challenge them with mortifying questions.

He's stuck, that's for sure. There really is no way out.


	4. Ceasefire

It drags on for seventy-three minutes.  _Seventy-three minutes._ Gus stares at the clock on the wall and counts every last one of them. That's roughly four thousand seconds of pure hell that he's subjected to. He considers bolting from the room more than once, but that just wouldn't do. He can't let them win. He _won't_ let them win.

After learning about every possible aspect of female pleasure and faggy fornication, it finally draws to a close. Gus is so relieved he could cry. He's also so utterly horrified he could cry. He feels like a soldier emerging from battle with bloodied, broken limbs. He has suffered some serious, serious damage in the past seventy-three minutes. He isn't sure that he'll ever recover.

Seemingly unaware of Gus' suffering, Melanie leans forward and asks lightly, "Do you have any more questions?"

"No," Gus mutters, glaring at her. "I'm very well informed now, thank you."

"That's good," Melanie says, smiling. Gus scoffs and redirects his gaze elsewhere. It's easier to stare moodily out the window than acknowledge his four wayward parents. He'd quite like it if he never had to look at any one of them ever again.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees his mom smiling at with immense warmth. Sweetly, she asks, "How do you feel, honey?"

She puts it so simply, as though everything is okay. As though he isn't presently in dire need of copious doses of brain bleach. 

"How do I feel?" Gus whips his head around and raises his eyebrows at her.  _"How do I feel?_ I'll tell you how I feel. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to look at any one of you in the face ever again. You two-"

He points to his mothers accusingly.  _"You two_ crossed a line today! You crossed several lines! I wish I could say I'm considering running off to New York with dad and Justin, but  _wow,_ I'd rather hurl myself into boiling lava!"

Gus stabs his finger in his fathers' direction. "The two of you are so gross. _So gross._  I expected better from both of you. And for future reference, nobody needs to hear about how much sex you two have. NOBODY."

"I second that," Melanie snarks.

"I _don't_ need your support and I'm _not_ done talking," Gus snaps, narrowing his eyes at her. Melanie pulls a face but raises her hands in deference, allowing him to continue. He stands up and crosses his arms over his chest. "You know, I could have lived a perfectly happy, healthy life. But the four of you had to come along and start waxing lyrical about female erogenous zones and different kinds of lubricant. You're all terrible people. Thank you so much for traumatising me, if you want to scar me for life any further, I'll be in my room!"

On that note, he turns on his heel and marches out of the room. As he's ascending the stairs, he hears Melanie say, "That actually went a lot better than I had expected."

Just for that, he slams his bedroom door extra hard.

*

They afford him an entire hour of peace and quiet. Gus enjoys every last minute of it. He savours every second which passes silently and swiftly, rather than what it was like earlier, where time dragged on with painful slowness as his four awful parents squawked on and on about sex. _Ugh._

He's none too pleased when a knock sounds at his door. Gus curls up at the head of his bed and glares at the door as it swings open. In comes Justin - of course they'd send him. They're so predictable.

Justin smiles his sunniest smile as he asks, "Gussy, do you want to come and help me with dinner?"

"No, I do not," Gus snipes, staring coldly at his brazen traitor of a father.

This doesn't appear to faze Justin. Still smiling, he says, "I'm going to make your favourite. And your mom is working on a huge batch of homemade brownies."

Gus claps his hands together and yelps sarcastically, "Yippee! That'll make up for approximately 0.07% of the damage you people caused today."

Justin chuckles softly. "Are you okay in here?"

There's a part of him that wants to tell Justin that he's sorry he ever asked him to be his father. Gus worries about that sometimes; the capacity for cruelty that seems to be simmering inside of him. He very rarely indulges it, although he's often tempted. Like now. He's very tempted to indulge it right now. But then he'd end up hurting Justin, and Justin doesn't deserve that. Justin is one of the last people in the world Gus would ever want to see hurt. So he clamps his mouth shut, denies that irritating urge, and thinks of something better to say.

After a spell of thought, he mutters, "I'm about okay as a traumatised child can be."

Justin laughs a little, then smiles even brighter and says, "Love you, Gussy."

Despite how gross and traitorous Justin has proven himself to be today, Gus feels comforted by his kindness. He offers Justin the tiniest of smiles and responds, "I'm not particularly keen on you right now, but I love you too. Technically."

Justin nods. "You know what? I'll take it."

Gus offers him a marginally bigger smile. Justin blows a kiss at him and says, "Dinner's in half an hour. See you downstairs then?"

"See you." Gus slumps back against his pillows as Justin leaves, then lies there staring at the empty doorway. So he has half an hour more to himself, and then he'll have to face them. Ugh. He really doesn't know if he can handle that, after those seventy-three minutes of intense trauma. As he relives the worst moments of it, Gus smothers his whimpers by burying his face in his pillow.

Suddenly, there's a rapping on the wall. His bedroom connects with the guestroom, where he guesses his dad probably is right now. After a spell of contemplation, Gus knocks back. Dad matches his knock.

If he was forced to choose, Gus would have to say his dad was the least offensive of all of them during the torturous talk. He did make several disgusting 'jokes' about his and Justin's sex life (Gus fails to see the humour in being hit with an onslaught of repulsive mental imagery), but that wasn't nearly as bad as some of the things moms and Justin were saying in their intense pursuit of being as informative as possible. For the most part, his dad was pretty cool about everything. Maybe it's time for a ceasefire.

Gus returns the knock once more, then pulls himself out of bed and slinks out of his room. He's careful to avoid being seen by anyone as he ducks into the guestroom, where he immediately closes the door. He stares at his father and asks sullenly, "What do you want now?"

"I just wanted to see that you were alive and well," Dad responds drily.

Gus looks himself up and down and makes a point of checking his pulse carefully. After some serious contemplation, he pronounces, "I'm alive, but I have been severely traumatised. It may take me years to recover. A lifetime, perhaps."

His dad laughs. "Well, what kind of parents would we be if we didn't scar you for life?"

"Good parents," Gus mutters, approaching the bed where his father is sprawled out on his back. He lies down on the bed and shuffles in so they're close together. "So who do I have to blame for that godawful segment on foreplay?"

"Sorry, kiddo - I've been sworn to secrecy about such intricacies," Dad laughs. "You know, if you do have more questions..."

Gus gazes at his father pensively. He kind of does, but he doesn't want to face all four of them again. As though he's just read Gus' mind, his dad adds, "Just between the two of us, if you like."

"How many people have you had sex with?" Gus asks, mostly just to see the look on his father's face. 

Unfortunately, he's met his match in Brian Kinney, who doesn't react at all as Gus had hoped. There is no scandalised jaw-dropping or embarrassed blushing. Rather, his father looks quite amused. "Are you asking because you actually want to know or are you asking to try and trip me up again?"

Gus grins sheepishly. "A bit of both?"

"I..." he pauses, smiles, then purses his lips. "I don't know. A lot."

"You don't know? That's how many it is, that you don't know?"

"Before Justin I slept around a lot." There's a slight smirk that flits across his father's face, but Gus doesn't have time to analyse it before he adds, "Honestly, I thought that was only going to be for a night."

"Really?" Gus shifts in closer, intrigued. This is so unlike all the other romantic stories he's heard about the two of them. 

"Really," his dad confirms, nodding. "But - evidently - it turned into a lot more than that."

"What was different about Justin?"

"Everything."

"But like... specifically, what?"

Rolling onto his side to face Gus, his dad queries dubiously, "You really want to hear this?"

Gus shrugs. His dad smiles and reaches out to poke Gus' nose, like they always did to each other when Gus was tiny. Gus squirms away, giving him a look of abject horror. This inspires a lot of self-satisfied chuckling, which is followed by a soft smile and a softer confession. "Honestly, I've never wanted anyone more than once. But Justin... he was something else. I couldn't settle for once. And hey, wipe that look off your face - you asked!"

Gus tries and fails. "I didn't think you were going to go on about how...  _into..._ Justin you were."

"Are," Dad corrects, grinning. "Now more than ever, if I'm being honest."

"Ew!"

"I'm not just talking about being 'into' him in the way you're thinking," he says, raising his eyebrows. "Get your mind out of the gutter, okay?"

Gus fights a blush and kicks his dad lightly in the shin. Laughing, his dad continues, "I also felt closer to him. There was this connection between us, right from the start. I couldn't get enough of it. I still can't."

"Eeewwww," Gus moans miserably, although, in truth, he's quite touched. He has always liked hearing stories about dad and Justin, and even this one is more intimate than the others, it's worth the potential trauma to see the tender expression lighting his dad's face. "So... that was better than all of the other sex?"

"Without question. I didn't see it right away, but I ended up figuring out that  _that_ was worth chasing. That connection."

He says this with such startling certainty. Gus wishes he could be so sure about something as his dad is about Justin. Leaning in closer, he asks quietly, "And, like... how did you know you were gay?"

"I just did."

Gus had figured he would say something like that, but it's still disappointing. Wearied, he mumbles, "I don't know what I am."

His dad reaches over again to poke Gus' nose. This time, Gus lets him.

"That's okay, you know, if you don't know."

Gus burrows closer and whispers, "I don't know how to figure it out. Everyone else knows... I don't get why I don't."

"It takes time for some people."

"I know," Gus concedes. It's all he hears, basically - _take your time, be patient, give yourself room to discover who you are._ He could write the book on this kind of advice, albeit a very disparaging one entitled:  _This Advice Is Totally Fucking Useless And You Are, Too!_ Sighing, he admits, "It just feels kind of lonely sometimes. Everyone else is so sure, and I don't feel that way, but you're supposed to have an answer and it's hard to figure out what to say when you don't."

His dad bumps his nose again. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Sonny Boy. You'll figure it out."

Gus smiles and bumps his dad's nose right back. "Can you do me a favour?"

"Anything," his dad vows.

Scrunching up his nose, Gus pleads, "Can you please make sure I never have to hear moms saying the words 'clitoral stimulation' ever again?"

Dad bursts out laughing. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you," Gus sighs, relieved. "After dinner, I'm going to write up a comprehensive list of terminology I never want to hear from you guys ever again."

"I'm guessing 'cunnilingus' will be pretty high up on that list?"

 _"Ew!_ Dad!"

"Hey, that segment traumatised me, too," his dad grumbles, pulling a face. "I didn't sign up for that, you know."

"Who would?" Gus shudders. "That went on for fourteen minutes and thirty-six seconds, you know. I counted every last one."

"Ugh."

"Yeah." Gus nudges his dad and scolds, "I could also do without the thinly veiled references to your hyperactive sex life, thank you _very_ much."

"To each their own," his dad chuckles. "But listen, kiddo - if there ever is anything you do need, whether it's to talk, or whether you need us to buy you anything, or help you out in any way... you just let us know, right?"

"Right," Gus confirms. "I already knew that. I've always known that."

As he gazes at his dad, Gus catches a faint glimmer of relief on his face. Even though he feels a little silly for it, Gus reaches to grab his dad's hand. Holding it tightly, he says softly, "I love you."

This time, the relief is paired with a dash of surprise. Gus tries to recall the last time he said that to any one of his parents; it's been so long, he can't even remember. _That's kind of shitty,_ he thinks to himself, _especially since they say it to you all the damn time._ In an attempt at recompense, Gus squeezes his dad's hand and says, "You and those three other weirdos might have sparked some long-term issues for me today, but I do. I love you. Even if I don't always say it."

He's thrilled when a huge smile spreads across his dad's face. Sounding equally pleased, his dad responds, "We love you, too. You're the best, you know that?"

"Better than J.R.?" Gus teases, grinning fiendishly.

"Quit it with the sibling rivalry, kiddo." His dad sits up and signals to the clock. "Almost time for dinner. Ready to head down?"

Gus nods and jumps off the bed. Impulsively, he reaches for his dad's hand and holds onto it tightly as they walk downstairs together. "You'll sit with me, right?"

"Sure."

"And you and Justin will quit it with the gross references to your gross sex life, right?"

With a long-suffering sigh, his dad agrees, "I suppose so, if you insist."

"I definitely do insist! And will you protect me from moms and their brazen line-crossing?"

"Unquestionably," his father drawls, smirking. "I'll shield you from the munchers, Sonny Boy. Don't you worry."

The word 'munchers' forces Gus to relive some of the more horrifying moments of The Talk. After shuddering violently, he smacks his father on the arm and complains, "See this? I've been traumatised. You've all traumatised me!"

"You'll get over it," his dad says, smiling and ruffling his hair. Gus lets him get away with it and simply smiles back. He soon finds himself blushing as his dad says assuredly, "You're a tough kid."

"Thanks," Gus mumbles, as embarrassed as he is flattered. He grasps his dad's hand tighter. "I think I get that from you."

He watches as a delighted smile lights up his dad's face. It's totally infectious. Gus grins, squeezes their hands together, and they head into the dining room, ready to present a united front.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you've enjoyed this story - I've quite enjoyed writing it! Thank you for all the feedback I've received, it's very much appreciated. I would love to hear what you think of this final chapter :)


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